The Breast Gets Better

 Biopsy. It seemed like such a benign word. Little did I know. Once the clever doctor found one suspicious spot in my breast, she started to get cocky – finding new ones to ogle all over the place. Three to begin with. So, she did what good doctors do with suspicious spots, she ordered biopsies. Three to begin with. Two to be completed through stereotactic means and one ultrasound-guided biopsy. The first two were planned to take place on one day, back-to-back and the third one a week later. I’m not one for really sitting around, waiting, being patient. I pushed to just get them all out of the way at once. I was told, very politely that two in one day would be “a lot” for me to handle; three would put me over the top. I didn’t understand. I’ve given birth…twice. I’ve had an appendectomy. I’ve been married! It can’t be that bad. And God laughed. In fact, I believe his exact words were, “Hold my beer!” Have you ever had a stereotactic biopsy? I hope not. But let me paint you

  I’m a glass-half-full kinda gal, so instead of lamenting over the things I won’t be able to do for the first two weeks after breast cancer surgery, I’m going to think of this as the high maintenance woman’s starter pack . I’m not allowed to lift my hands over my head, do anything considered “strenuous” or pick up/carry anything over five pounds (how much does a human head weigh?). I decided I should really pay attention to what I do in my daily life that requires such things so that I can prepare now and not be a burden to someone else. But, nah! What fun would that be? So, here’s my list of top 10 things YOU should do for me post-surgery. ;-P 1.      Water my plants – and this one’s a double whammy – because clearly I’ve decided my plants will live longer the closer to God I place them.    Many of them are well above my head AND I found out, through totally scientific means, that a watering can filled with water weighs more than five pounds (I’ve even provided photo evidence). 

Oh, I’m aware alright! It feels like I’ve donated my life to science. I would say ‘my body’ but they’re not interested in my body – just my boobs and my time. I can’t even count the number of people who have seen my naked breasts lately. On the bright side, I can easily brag that every single person who’s felt me up in the past six weeks has a doctorate degree. On the other hand, this fact still hasn’t made one lick of improvement in my relationship status. I want to scream in frustration at the countless hours I’ve spent in numerous doctor’s visits. “I DO have a life, you know…and work!! I can’t drop everything at the drop of a hat every time you want a new image.” But the rational side of me reminds me to be grateful. If it weren’t for the very keen eyes of the radiologist who read my mammogram scans I wouldn’t be preparing for breast cancer surgery. I wouldn’t even know that I have breast cancer. I keep reminding myself that she was incredibly perceptive and tenacious saying to