OH, HEAVENLY PANTS!

 

I’m a glass-half-full kinda gal, so instead of lamenting over the things I won’t be able to do for the first two weeks after breast cancer surgery, I’m going to think of this as the high maintenance woman’s starter pack. I’m not allowed to lift my hands over my head, do anything considered “strenuous” or pick up/carry anything over five pounds (how much does a human head weigh?).

I decided I should really pay attention to what I do in my daily life that requires such things so that I can prepare now and not be a burden to someone else. But, nah! What fun would that be? So, here’s my list of top 10 things YOU should do for me post-surgery. ;-P

1.    Water my plants – and this one’s a double whammy – because clearly I’ve decided my plants will live longer the closer to God I place them. 

 Many of them are well above my head AND I found out, through totally scientific means, that a watering can filled with water weighs more than five pounds (I’ve even provided photo evidence). 

2.    Do my yoga! Although, technically, most of my yoga routines require my hands to be below my head, but that’s because I’m upside down – so the lines are blurry here. However, they also require me to lift my own body weight in some positions and damned if I’m not still over five pounds.

3.    Apply my makeup. While all my makeup is sitting in a pretty little crate on my bathroom counter, the brushes, sponges, and other applicators are on a shelf above Why? Because vertical storage is where it’s at, baby!

4.    Blow dry my hair. This one I may keep in permanent status, because – ugh – if I could get out of doing that forever, I would! Of course, the alternative – the homeless, unkempt look – isn’t really my best side. Hmmm…maybe if I do a yoga/upside down pose with said hairdryer I could kill two birds with one stone.

5.    Empty my dishwasher. The dishwasher is in the perfect location – on the floor – and I’m pretty sure even my heaviest dishes are under five pounds, they all go? Yep, you guessed, it – above my head. And while I’m perfectly ok with not doing any dishes in the near future, I’m for damn sure going to want to be able to get to those coffee mugs!

6.    Do my laundry. You know, this list is really starting to grow on me! This one the doctor specifically mentioned to me, “No carrying around clothes baskets!” So, I’m either going to get a week’s worth of steps in on laundry day by taking one article at a time down to the basement washing machine, or someone gets to do this for me, too!

7.    Does wash my hair make the list? I can’t decide because my hands aren’t OVER my head if they’re ON my head, right? But if I admit this, then I’m back to doing my own blow-drying, too. So, never mind. Who’s on the poo?

8.    Carry my purse. I’m super proud of my lovely designer bags that allow me to carry anything I, and anyone else in near proximity, would ever want while running out and about in the world. But I believe this puts my Kate Spades and Coaches over the weight limit. I guess I could move to a smaller bag and only carry the essentials, but I don’t know if the world will survive without my mini hand tools, first aid kit, emergency makeup pack, foot-saver flip flops, portable pharmacy, nail care kit, key ring of keys to lock boxes, safes, and other things I no longer own…oh, and my wallet.

9.    Go grocery shopping. I wasn’t going to add this to the list, because, really – what am I buying that weighs more than five pounds? But then I realized it doesn’t really matter because, despite my urging, the store managers still have not demanded employees put the items I buy at eye level or below. Also, unless I’m going to follow the laundry process and carry one thing at a time into the house, I’ll be eating out of my car if I don’t get a little help here.

10.  And the most important thing on the list: get my pants! All my jeans are folded and nicely tucked up on the shelf in my closet. It’s great – super easy access, until you’re not allowed to reach above your head. So, now they’re inaccessible and I’m pretty sure I’m going to want to wear pants at least once or twice in the two weeks after surgery. Or, maybe more accurately, while you’re here doing all these other things for me YOU will require me to wear pants…and you should, because while the surgery is going to nip and tuck and lift my breasts, they’re leaving my back side as they found it.